Avoiding the Test

Update!  Today is #dblogcheck day! Go leave a comment on every blog post you read in the diabetes community today – even if it’s just a simple, “Check!”. Read more about it on A Consequence of Hypoglycemia.

You feel sluggish, headache building, vision blurry, and let’s be honest… you’re getting a little pissy.  And there it sits, looming like a report card you don’t want to show your parents, your meter.  You see it all the time, so why is it causing anxiety?  Maybe it’s because you might be high.

It’s weird.  I don’t know why I get so nervous about testing.  It’s not like my mom is staring over my shoulder waiting for the 5 second countdown to either praise me or scold me.  I’m a grown woman, yet I still get that sickening feeling in my stomach sometimes.  And the thing is, once I find out my number, I can correct and feel better, so why not?  That’s my internal struggle.  Which feels worse, the high blood sugar or the guilt of why I have one?

I finally tested.  I was at 195.  Not horrible by any means but I still felt bad. Ashamed of myself for having that high and how long I might have left it untreated.

I don’t know if this feeling stems from my childhood…but if it does, that’s a whole other post.

I find it amazing though how a single drop of blood can cause a roller coaster of emotions.

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13 thoughts on “Avoiding the Test

  1. That’s the problem with (advantage of) my Dexcom CGM. It is relentless and doesn’t let me avoid those numbers. And you’re right that although we know it is just a number, there are a lot of emotions that go along with each number.

  2. The whole situation just adds to the feeling grossness of it all doesn’t it? I sometimes (more often than one ever should) go ahead and treat. Then check an hour or so later. The dumbness of that choice is obvious 🙂

  3. Yup, I definitely used to have moments like that too. But like Laddie, I now have a CGM and that kind of makes me face up to the number whether I want to or not.

    #dblogcheck

  4. This is pretty much how my diabetes burnout/management gets out of control. I get afraid of one little test and it all goes downhill and suddenly I’m not testing at all. Even though not testing doesn’t change what’s going on, somehow I just hate see it on my screen.

  5. I am so thankful for the Blog Check because you find new blah and today I found yours! I am so happy to read your posts. Another analogy is getting on a scale right after eating a big big meal. It’s the last thing any one wants to do. I totally feel that. We are in this together though and I find the #bgnow helpful. A lot of realness there. Thank you for sharing!

  6. I wear a Dexcom almost all of the time but I took a few days off after a wretched diabetes weekend. I’ll be posting about it soon but I just had one of those moments I thought I should share right away. And Allison, it’s so true. One thing leads to another and everything starts sliding downhill.

  7. That rollercoaster of emotion that comes in the tiny five second countdown as I wait for the result can make my stomach jump. I will never accept judgement from others – and yet I judge myself so harshly. Thank you for this post.

  8. I do the same thing when I’m low too. Sometimes I’d just rather eat a bunch of food and figure out how much insulin I need after the fact rather than confirm the low and have a calculated response. #Check #DayLate

  9. I know the feeling! I also have a CGM so it’s more like I get guilt/stressed when I see two arrows going up, like crap did I not pre-bolus or carb count correctly.

  10. I get the same feeling too, although it stems more from an awful doctor I had as a child instead of my parents. They were always the “adapt and overcome” sort…my primary care doctor, however, liked to threaten me with amputations and eye loss and death. I became so scared of the numbers after that. Now that I’m grown and have supportive doctors who aren’t jerks, it’s a lot easier. 🙂

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